


Batcaves and Noble Quests

by Sassaphrass



Category: Supernatural, The Hobbit (Jackson Movies)
Genre: An Unexpected Roadtrip, Crack, Crossovers & Fandom Fusions, Dean's POV, Gen, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Reckless Driving, The Dwarves Crash the Bunker, that escalated quickly
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-08-03
Updated: 2014-12-19
Packaged: 2018-02-11 13:03:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,988
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2069280
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sassaphrass/pseuds/Sassaphrass
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When a bunch of short bikers break into the Batcave Dean is understandably annoyed- Especially when they start singing folk music. </p>
<p>But, when he learns they might have the ability to make a gun even more powerful than the Colt? Well, then he's very interested in letting them stay. </p>
<p>(Fandom Fusion: The Hobbit movies and Supernatural)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. In which Dean and the Company meet

Dean wakes up when someone trips the alarm to the bunker. It's nothing much, something the men of letters installed circa 1958 and which they hadn't even found until a couple weeks in, but when they did, well let's just say Dean had done a happy dance- a MANLY happy dance. Cause, they may be off the most wanted list but there was no guarantee they were going to _stay_ off it.

 

Dean grabs his shotgun (real bullets not salt, ghosts don't set alarms off), and heads to the gantries that surround the entryway. The intruders, who look like a biker gang that took a couple accountants hostage, have already got the lights on when he gets out there and yells. “Freeze assholes, I got a gun on you so how about you make like a tree and get the fuck out!”

 

The man in front, with a short beard and long dark hair streaked with white, who walks like a godamn viking, gestures to someone in the group. And a red dot appears on Deans chest as a kid hoists up a precision long-range rifle and trains it on him.

 

“ I'd put your little toy down, boy. You'll miss but he won't. What are you doing in this place?” Viking demands, “It was made by those who are dead and the dead keep their secrets.”

 

“It was made by the men of letters, and my grandfather was one!” Dean snarls, dropping the gun and raising his hands. The Viking looks singularly unimpressed.

 

“Well Thorin?” Kid with gun asks obviously ready to pull the trigger.

 

A bullet smashes into the pillar a foot from a Ginger biker's head making everyone duck. “I'd take that gun off my brother if I was you!” Sam yells.

 

Thorin (aka Mr. Viking) looks, rolls his eyes and pulls a motherfucking sword from a sheath on his back and gestures in the direction of Sam's voice. Every damn person in the group draws a weapon (including Kid with gun who pulls out a pistol and hands it to a Viking McBlondie next to him (who, being an overacheiver apparently, was already carrying a sword)).

 

“I don't think so boy." Mr. Viking says. "See, unless you get a perfect kill shot on Kili here, he'll drop your brother before you can fire another. Not to mention the fact that if you did get a perfect kill shot on Kili, _his_ brother will rip you limb from limb.”

 

Dean hears Sam cock his gun.

 

“Sorry! Sorry! Hold on just ONE moment!” Someone squeaks, and a short blonde man ducks out from behind Mr. Viking with his hands in the air. “Now, let's all calm down. We're terribly sorry to have bothered you. We were just thinking that well...this place is supposed to have the best selection of texts on the hunting of supernatural creatures...and well, We're very very sorry. Didn't realize you were living here didn't mean to break in...we'll just leave and no one will have to SHOOT ANYBODY. Kili, Fili, Dwalin put the guns _down.”_

 

For a moment, Dean's not sure whether he's going to die. Whether this Kili with the gun is going to die. Whether that blonde guy is going to die from being stabbed by an angry Viking look alike.

 

The moment is broken when a flustered man in a worn out gray suit bursts through the door in mid-sentence “...and honestly, who's Impala is that in the...” he trails off and takes in the scene before sighing and leveling a glare at Mr. Viking “Really, Thorin?”

 

“You never said you were taking us to the abode of Human Hunters.” Mr. Viking growls.

 

“Oh, Comfound and bebother you Thorin Oakenshield! I didn't know!” The old man glares up at Dean from beneath a shapeless blue hat. “You're going to have to forgive us, as the last man of letters, I was rather certain this place was abandoned....you're Dean Winchester, aren't you? Henry's grandson?”

 

Dean nods and it makes sense suddenly. This old man in his ratty suit and grey beard is old enough to have been here in the glory days, and these guys...this group of rough and readies who are all ( even the ones that look like accountants) armed to the teeth and ready to rumble are hunters, and they came here, to what they thought was an empty library and found themselves with a gun fight.

 

He kicks his gun over the side. “Well, now that's sorted. Why don't y'all come in and make yourself at home?”

 

Dean learns that Mr Viking is called Thorin, Kili (kid with gun) and Fili (Blondie McViking) are his nephews and the rest of them are all also somehow related and have weird names. Dwalin (big and bald and every inch tatooed) and Balin (Santa Claus, no, really), Ori, Nori, Flori, Bifur, Bombur, Glowing, the only normal name in the bunch Owen, a whole bunch of other weird rhyming stuff and Bilbo (My name is Bill, Bilbo is a childish nickname that I'm trying to leave behind me; Don't you listen to Gandalf), Mr Tall Grey and Mysterious is apparently known as Gandalf. Last of the men of Letters.

 

Apparently, for these shorties (and they are _short_ ), a standoff at gunpoint is nothing between friends, and they're all rolling out sleeping bags (and rolling in kegs) in no time.

 

Bilbo, honest to god, nearly cries with joy when he finds out they have a real stove and oven. And then the fat ginger is bringing in links of sausage and racks of ribs from the grill he set up outside and Bilbo is trying to find the ingredients for a cake in the kitchen and gives Dean a _very_  disappointed look when all he turns up is 14 different types of booze and a bunch of take out menus.

 

Dean and Sam can only sit there stunned as a genuine party starts up. No, seriously, the little guy in the knitted cardigan does a keg-stand at one point, there's a food fight and the entire 15 have a chugging contest and then a burping contests.

 

And then, things get crazy. Blondie McViking (Fili!) starts juggling knives one handed, and the next thing Dean knows they're all throwing plates at each other, and fucking singing, in _harmony_ , and despite the fact that they're all half sloshed, not a single plate drops and it's all clean in a few minutes. And they're all laughing and joking and...Dean honestly doesn't know when he's had this much....fun. Or been around this many people who actually seemed to enjoy themselves.

 

“How on earth are you all hunters?” Is all he can think to say when Balin sits down next to him.

 

Balin shrugs “Well, it's part time for most of us. We have to make a living you know? Thorin and his nephews are back after a couple years working the rigs in Alberta, Ori's a computer programmer, Bofur's a mechanic, Gloin works at a bank and Bombur runs a restaurant.” Balin shrugs again. “We're just doing the best we can laddie-Oy! Boys stop that!!”

Fili has an apple on his head and Kili has a throwing knife in his hand and it didn't take an Einstein to see this wasn't going to end well. The 'lads' exchanged a look and then Kili drew back and sent the knife shooting through the apple and into the wall. Balin was on his feet and yelling at them immediately.

 

“Tsk Tsk”

Dean turns and a portly grey haired man in an emaculate suit and goatee is shaking his head at the scene.

 

“What?” Dean asks.

 

The goateed guy looks at him and then bows “Dori, at your service.”

Dean plasters on a grin, these people were so weird.  “Nice to meet you?” He jerks his head to where Balin was trying to pull the knife out of the wall while yelling at the brothers. “You disapprove?”

Dori sighs and sits down “It's not that I don't think Thorin has always tried to do right by the lads...I just wish he'd been man enough to let them go...let them have a childhood..You understand? They don't know anything but this.” He waves to the room. “It's not fair on them. I wish he'd left them with me, they'd have had a chance and a choice then.”

He sighs again and downs his beer. Dean stares at him- great a depressing drunk, just what he needs, and is about to get up to move away when Balin comes back.

“So, as I was saying, the hunting is normally a part-time occupation. But, this is the big one and when Thorin called for us we had to answer. I'm not sure if it will end well, but...Well we'll see.”

Across the room someone starts pounding on the floor and shouting “Oak-en-shield! Oak-en-shield!” Soon the whole group has picked it up and finally Thorin climbs onto the table and called out “The Lay of Durin!” to the hall. And then, a very strange thing happened.

As one the strange hunters begin humming, deep and low. Like a rumble in the rock, and then Thorin starts to sing.

_The world was young, the mountains green,_ _No stain yet on the Moon was seen,_ _No words were laid on stream or stone_ _When Durin woke and walked alone._ _He named the nameless hills and dells_ _He drank from yet untasted wells,_ _He stooped and looked in Mirrormere_ _And saw a crown of stars appear_ _The world was fair, the mountains tall,_ _In Elder days, before the fall_ _Of mighty kings in Nargothrond_ _And Gondolin, who now beyonf_ _The Western Seas have passed away,_ _The world was fair in Durin's day..._

_The world is grey, the mountains old,_  
The forge's fire is ashen-cold;  
No harp is wrung, no hammer falls:  
The darkness dwells in Durin's halls;  
The shadow lies upon his tomb  
In Moria, in Khazad-dum  
But still the sunken stars appear  
In dark and windless Mirrormere;

_...._

The whole thing is eerie, and unlike anything else Dean has ever experienced. It seems almost magical. There's something raw and unbearably sad about the song. It speaks of loss with a beauty that Dean knows he'll never really understand. Loss for him has always been ugly, but there's something admirable in the way that these shorties deal with it without bitterness.

 He shakes his head and takes another drink.


	2. Road Rage and Killer Rabbits

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A pair of brothers go for a joy ride. Dean learns the origins of his unexpected guests. Dwalin decides it's hammer time.

Dean wakes up slumped across the table they usually use for research. Kili and Fili (and Dean is 63% sure he knows which one is which) are chatting at the far end and watch him as he stretches.

 

“So..Mr. Dean..” The dark haired one starts to say, Dean blinks at him blearily “Whah?”

 

Kili, brightens apparently taking this as some sort of confirmation, and bursts out “We saw your car in the driveway, and Bilbo left us a list of groceries so could we use your car to get them? It's a beautiful car!”

 

Dean frowns. “I need coffee”

 

Fili runs out and comes back with a steaming mug which, Dean realizes as he tastes it, is about 400 times better then any coffe he's ever made.

 

Dean drinks the coffee slowly, with the boys watching him like hawks the whole time, he sets the cup down with a decisve clink, and stands.

 

“No. No way Jose! You aren't going anywhere near my baby!”

 

The kids look at each other, and make a couple aborted hand gestures. Then they nod and turn back to him.

 

“Our Uncle has the most beautiful Harley-Davidson you've ever seen-”

 

“Unless you've seen Dwalin's-”

 

“And let us drive your car and you can drive the bike.”

 

They interupt each other and finish in unison.

 

Dean pauses, he does like large motorcycles. “Show me these bikes.”

 

Dean stares in awe at the low slung monster parked in the driveway and custom painted to match Dwalin's tatoos. He nodded once, slowly.

 

Aproximately 2 seconds into the drive he's deeply regretting that decision, holding on for dear life as the blonde lunatic treated his baby like a freakin race car and the dark hair lunatic tried to harmonize with “One Tin Soldier” on the radio. All requests to listen to something else had been ignored.

 

Trying to distract himself Dean closed his eyes and bites out “So..how'd you end up hunting, and what are all you Brits doing here?”

 

Kili leaned up from the back “We're not Brits.”

 

“We're from the Appalachian mountains.”

 

“Old West Virginny!”

 

“And our family's always hunted.”

 

“When we had the time”

 

“But we started hunting a lot after our Mum died.”

 

“-In childbirth nothing too weird”

 

“I mean Thorin had been around a lot before, particularly after Dad died”

 

“-In a mining accident, we're so normal.”

 

“But after it was just us and him was when we really started hunting a lot.”

 

“And we sound British 'cause we don't speak english at home.”

 

“We learned it from the BBC”

 

“Have you ever seen Sherlock?!”

 

“It's a wonderful program!”

 

“No? What about Monty Python?”

 

“The Killer RABBIT!!”

 

“Yes! Do you know of the killer rabbit Mister Dean?”

 

Dean cracks an eye open and glances to his left to discover that Blondie McViking was not just barreling down the road at, he glances at the spedometer, 90 miles an hour but he was completely twisted in his seat so that he was more facing Dean and his brother in the back seat then-

 

“EYES ON THE ROAD NUTCASE!! EYES ON THE-”

 

There was a loud bang and then a thump-thump as whatever they hit went under the care. Then and only then did Blondie McPsycho look at the road “What was that?”

 

He slammed on the brakes and brought the car to a squealing stop.

 

Cautiously, Dean opened the door and looked behind the car. Something that looked suspiciously like one of last night's party guests was crumpled in the road, great, couldn't have been a freakin dog or something, nooo the one time he let's someone who isn't a freakin blood relative drive his baby and it ends in vehicular manslaughter.

 

The psychos who caused this mess seem pretty unfazed by the whole thing (though if their driving is anything to go by this probably is a pretty regular event). Kili stands next to the guy (who had the wildest hair/beard combo he's ever seen, honestly the man looks like he has a badger living on his face!) and pokes him with his foot a few times, going “Bifubifurbifurbifur”

 

While Fili had gotten down onto his hands and knees and was apparently trying to talk Bifur (and what the hell kind of a name was that?) away from the light. After a second Fili glances at Kili and says “Uh-Oh do you think we really hurt him?”

 

“If he'd dead I vote we change our names, shave our heads and move to Argentina. Otherwise Thorin might skin us.”

 

Bifur sits up with an incomprehensible yell, and then proceeds to babble what sounds like nonsense. But the junior viking psychos are apparently unconcerned. Fili pats Bifur's shoulder. “Sorry about that. I accidentally hit you with Mister Dean's car. You really should look both ways before stepping out into traffic.”

 

Bifur responds with more incomprehensible twaddle. Kili seeing Deans expression explains “He used to be able to speak English-” “-Then he took an arrow to the knee!” They finish in unison. Bifur smacks them both upside the head, but in a loving way and Dean is one finishing-each-others-sentence away from shooting these bastards (There is a chip in the windshield- a goddamn chip) so when they get back to the house and the crazy little fuckers decide that it's sword sharpening time (and not in a fun-eupehmism way either, in a THEY HAVE ACTUAL SWORDS way). Dean just follows along in a daze.

 

Until, he looks at the writing on Kili's sword (which is fucking impressive Dean is not going to lie, and since the motorcycle bargain is probably off the table, he is totally going to demand to swing this mofo around a few times), and Dean may not have Sammy's brain but he's stared at Ruby's knife enough to recognize those markings anywhere. He points “These are demon marks.”

 

Kili grins “Those are demon  _killing_ marks, my fellow...Would think a hunter would know that.” and there's something wary and watchful now. Fili and Bifur have stopped talking  to each other in that gutteral babble and they're looking at Dean like...like Dean might be dangerous. 

 

“Those marks are from a demon killing blade of the ancient kurds.” he tries, parroting what Henry had said.

 

Bifur snorts and Kili looks at him awkwardly and then focuses on something behind him. “Umm...not really...but close enough.”

 

Dean frowns and turns. Sam is standing there (and where the hell did he get off to when the party got going last night?). “We need to talk Dean.” he says.

 

This is not going to go well, but Dean just nods and follows him to one of the back rooms.

 

Sam shuts the door and hunches over. “We have a serious problem Dean.”

 

“You're telling me! You should see what these nutjobs did to my car. One of them got smoked by it, full speed and he just hopped back up like it was nothing-”

 

Sam cuts him off “I'm thinking we have a hunting type problem here.”

 

Dean frowns. “How?”

 

Sam shakes his head “It's nothing too obvious, they used the silver, and I cut the drinks with holy water, and there was plenty of salt on that food, but...” Sam pulls a book of the shelf opens it and hands it to Dean. “Look familiar to you?” It's open to a picture of runes and symbols. The same runes and symbols that Dean had seen about an hour ago decorating a Harley-Davidson and last night decorating a bald bearded man.

 

“Yeah, but so what? Maybe the dude saw these and thought they looked badass, I mean there hunters is it out of the question he was looking at...” he checked the spine of the book. “...mythology and symbolism in Viking culture, the Poetic Eddas to the Present day?”

 

“Published in 1943 and not exactly required reading for Hunters Dean, read the inscription and translation.”

 

Dean flipped back to the page. “Thus do the stone people decorate their greatest warriors. Though the meaning behind the symbols is fragmentary and unclear, the runes translated literally mean: I have walked through the rivers of blood and stand firm. I have faced the wrath of heaven and not faltered. I have burned the messengers of god.” Dean winces. “Cheery.But, not exactly hunt worthy, I mean Sam let's get real. We've ganked more angels than-”

 

The small side room was suddenly quite crowded as Castiel manifested, right in Dean's personal space. Again.

 

“Dean” he said in the scratchy voice of his. “I bring you a warning.”

 

“For god's sake Cas! Not now we're kind of in the middle of something here!”

 

Cas did what Dean had affectionately nicknamed 'the head tilt of doom' and after losing Cas to absolutely insanity for a few months Dean was pretty happy to have it back.

 

“That is why I'm here. This is to warn you about these...creatures your harbouring. They are not what they appear.”

 

“What are they? Are they dangerous? Should we kill them?”

 

Cas nods “They are the dvergar. Or a group of them. The dvergar are a puzzle, there are many stories of their origin. Some say they were gods first attempts at making man, experiments that should have been destroyed, others that they were made by someone or something other then god, and that is why they lack a human soul. They are stronger then men and tougher. They claim to owe no alegiance to heaven or hell, that the power they wield is their's and their's alone...They most definitely are dangerous. You and Dean should be careful. But as for killing them...” He shrugs.

 

Dean “So what? They have not souls and are physically stronger and tougher, but hey! Killing them's your choice.”

 

Castiel frowns and turns away. “There was a time I believed that all of the dvergar should be killed. Slaughtered in their homes. Never a numerous species, we slaughterd hundreds and thousands. But, something changed, we began to send in whole battalions only for there to be no survivors. The dvergar had made weapons that could kill us, and they killed us in the hundreds, in the thousands... But they were forced to abandon their ancient homes, they live as men...they hunt as men...they appear to feel and love and grieve and hurt as men. I see now that it was never  _God's_ plan to kill them, just the archangels throwing another temper tantrum when they left, but ...” 

 

Dean cut him off “Listen Cas, your philosophical musings on the nature of humanity are fascinating but we've got maybe 15 of the dengers in this place and if you're telling us we need to gank their asses then we're going to need a head start...”

 

Castiel does the Head Tilt again “Bilbo is only a man, a remarkable man of remarkable lineage but a man as for the 14 th ...” his eyes go wide with shock and horror “Gandalf.” 

 

“Yeah, Mr. Gandalf last of the men of letters.”

 

Castiel shakes his head “Gandalf isn't just who he is it's what he is.”

 

Dean gulps “What he is?”

 

Castiel shrugs and does a truly terrible impression “'My name is Gandalf and Gandalf mean me!' He is one of a group of creatures, 5 alone exist. They too act and talk and give all appearance of feeling, but they are beyond us, beyond heaven and hell. They are like the Horsemen, a law unto themselves...if I were you I'd run.”

 

There's the sound of wings and Cas is gone.

 

“WAY TO BE UNHELPFUL CAS!” Dean yells at the ceiling. He rubs his forehead. “Okay Sam, where does that leave us? We really gonna run and hide and hope they go away?”

 

Sam shrugs. “It might be better then massacreing a bunch of guys, who-”

 

“Who aren't even human Sammy! They don't even have souls, you heard Castiel-”

 

There's a crash and the door explodes in splinters. And The man who's tatoos started it all is standing in the doorway with a HUGE warhammer in hand. “So..ye consort with the filth of the skies huh? Ruhkas?!” He takes a step forward and Sam and Dean find themselves trapped against the wall as he hefts his hammer again. “I ought to kill you where you stand. Plotting to kill guests!” He breaks off into the gutttural language Bifur had used.

 

Dean thinks it's ironic this is how it's going to end. There's no safety net this time, Sam'll go with him for once. God won't sent them back. They've ganked all the evil sons-of-bitches they were meant to. Lucifer and Michael, and Eve and the Leviathans not to mention old yellow eyes however long ago that was... Dean screws his eyes shut and braces for the moment the hammer splits his skull.

 

“Hold, Dwalin. We need not deal in death and answer treachery in kind.” Thorin walks out from behind the hammer wielding terror. “Though it seems we have been dealt it.”

 

Gandalf leans around what's left of the doorway and calls “Bilbo's made some tea and those lovely sesame scones of his...why don't we do this in the kitchen?”


	3. Interrogation Techniques and Cakes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean and Sam are interrogated in the kitchen.

This is probably one of the top 10 most surreal moments of Dean's life. Because, there's a tiny little man (not even 5ft tall) trying to serve him cakes and tea as he's zip-tied to a chair (very seriously wrists together and then each elbow to the back of the chair) while he's simultaneously being interrogated/threatened by another short man (not like midget short but more Gabriel short) with a big sword.

“Nice Sword.” is all he can think to say.

Thorin glances at it and then runs a finger along the edge. “Yes. One of the greatest swords ever forged. Nephilim made, from their wars with heaven.” He stares into Dean's eyes. “The Blade glows blue when Rukhas are near.”

“Rukhas?”

“Angels, to you and me.” Bilbo pipes in.

“Angels?”

Thorin and Dwalin both spit at the word. Bilbo smiles “Yes, they weren't to pleased to discover you'd brought one here. Apparently there was quite a lot of nastiness not too long ago.”

Dwalin swings the war-hammer around again. “Ye tell us what ye told them, boyo and you won't find out what colour your insides are before you die.”

Bilbo looks a bit pained. “That's not necessary Dwalin. We don't know he told them anything.”

Thorin snorts, “And why else would one of the filth come here? To chat? The rukhas have ever feared us and sought our destruction. You've seen the scars the lads have got.”

Bilbo huffs and rolls his eyes. “Demons gave the lads those scars.”

Thorin grimaces and turns all his anger and annoyance on poor Bilbo. “And the angels” he spat “destroyed our great city, they pursued us. We have been lost a wandering these god forsaken lands for centuries. Demons do not seek the death of my people. We are tools to them. We can do things that they cannnot. The Demons gave my nephews those scars demanding I fix that ill-made gun (as if I would sully my hands trying to improve such sub-standard workmanship-”

Dean sits bolt upright at that. “Wait! What gun?”

Thorin looks less then impressed by the interruption “Some form of pistol. Crudely made to kill that which ordinary bullets can't.”

Sam goes rigid. “The Colt.”

Dean stares at Sam “No way.” He turns to Thorin “No way could you have fixed the Colt.”

Bilbo winces and Thorin stalks closer sword up, until the tip of the blade in just brushing Dean's throat. “My people made the great hammer Mjolnir. We have armed gods and kings, and killed them too. They say it was my great-great-grandfather who sewed the lips of Loki shut.”

Sam's eyes are huge. “But, Gabriel was Loki.”

Thorin rolls his eyes. “Yes, I'm sure he wasn't overly gentle. But then, of all the filth of the skies I've met Loki was...the least objectionable.”

Sam is shaking his head. “That's impossible. No way you could not something like that to Gabriel he could have snapped his fingers and got away.”

Thorin snaps his fingers. “Dwalin, show the boys your hammer again, tell them of your many victories. I think they're missing the point.”

Dwalin sidles over and shoves the hammer in their faces. “This hammer has smashed the skulls of 117 angels. For years they left us in peace, and then the last decade they started coming for us again. So, we started killing them again. I've yet to find a creature my dear hammer cannae kill.”

Dean gulps and stares at the hammer. “You sure you weren't just smashing their vessels? You sure you weren't just murdering innocent people!!”

Dwalin grins. “Well, the way they burn is a clue...but if the angels lived, how come the new ones were never warned? How come they didn't know that we could trap them? Eh?”

Dean's blood is running cold. “So you side with the demons then?”

Thorin looks like Dean had just made a dirty joke about his mother.

“The Demons haven't the power to truly harm us. Weak things. A boy of 20 can forge a knife that will destroy one of those maggots. They fear us, and they want our help.” 

Kili,Fili and the guy with the handle bar mustache barge into the kitchen at a run “We heard that Bibo made sesame cakes. Why did no one tell us?!”

They pause and take in the sight of their hosts taken hostage.   
“Oooh..Interrogation. Sorry...We'll just..” Kili scooches along the wall towards the platter of cake “grab one and be on our way.”

Dean knows the weak point when he see it. “Is it true what uncle says? Can you guys make demon killing knives?”

Fili takes a bite out of his cake. “Of course.”

“Why? Can't you?” Kili asks, as he pockets a few cakes surreptisiously.

“NO! No one can do that!”

Kili looks interested in that. “We all can do it.” He holds up his sword. “Who do you think made that knife?”

“Or Dwalin's hammer?” Filli pipes in.

Dean stares wide eyed. “You guys are for real. You could fix the Colt.”

Kili frowns. “Is this about that beat up old piece you left with Elrond?”

“You could fix it.” Dean whispers

Kili hands his brother his cake and then pulls off his shirt. Dean's seen enough to recognize the signs of torture, and his time in hell hasn't faded so much that he doesn't recognize Alastair's style when he see it.

“The Demons sure thought so.” Kili says, and then he grins. “Should have seen what Uncle did to them for that.”

Fili laughs. “Demons forget that they don't scare us sometimes. They can't hurt us the way they can hurt you.”

Thorin is glaring at the boys and Bilbo looks very uncomfortable. Dean glances between them all.

“What do you mean?”

To his surprise it's Biblo who answers. “The souls of the dvergar are their's and their's alone. No demon can take it and, no demon can possess them either.”

The mustache man pipes up “Most of the time we're not particularly interestin' to them. Got nothing they want see? But, some loon thought that the laddies would be the best way to get Thorin to fix the gun.” He snorts. “It was terribly inconveniant. We had to buy a pressure washer to get the mess out. Dori made Thorin promise that the next time he went berserk he'd do it somewhere we wouldn't have to clean up.” He leans in and stage whispers “I think most of what got him so angry was the substandard workmanship.”

Thorin looks a bit proud, Dwalin too. The 'laddies' are single-midedly devouring that plate of cake seemingly completely unconcerned.

“You could have fixed the gun but didn't”

“It wasn't worth fixing.” Thorin growls. “I've made dozens like that, only mine were better.”

Dean can't breath. “Impossible” Sam gasps.

Dwalin hefts the hammer again “You dare insult my king?!”

Thorin sits down and considers them.

Fili and Kili start bickering over the cake.

“Look, we don't have any problem with you. We didn't tell the angel anything. You can just let us go” Sammy, always trying to talk his way out of things.

Thorin raises one eyebrow. “And how am I to trust your word? When if your lying it could mean my life, and the lives of everyone I care for.”

It's Gandalf who saves them, again, walking in and grabbing the plate from the boys. “I'm quite sure you have nothing to fear from these young men Thorin. No need to cause unnecessary violence.”

“And what do you propose we do, Gandalf?”

Thorin tilts his head. “Why do you care so much about an antique pistol?”

“BECAUSE IT CAN KILL ANYTHING!!”

Bilbo sighs and grabs a knife from the table. “I for one would feel much more comfortable having this conversation when people AREN'T tied to chairs!”

Thorin holds up a hand and Bilbo stops.

“You boys know about angels don't you. I bet that the Lady of Lorien herself would be hardpressed to match you.”

Dean grins “What can I say? It's my magnetic personality that brings 'em out of the woodwork.”

Thorin is clearly considering something. Dean's not sure if it's his life, the colt or the fate of the world that hangs in the balance and he's pretty sure he doesn't want to know.

Finally Thorin speaks. “If I gave you the colt, or something like it...WOuld you use it to kill angels?”

Dean nods with as much enthusiasm as he can muster (there is a time and a place for dignity, this is not it).

“Would you share  _everything_ you know? Rumor has it you Winchesters have been in the thick of things...can you explain what's been happening the last decade?” 

Kili pipes up “I'd like to know too. These problems with demons and angels..” he took another giant bite of cake “Comfletely ruined Feewee's rodeo tour.”

 

Fili smacks his brother's arm. “Shut Kee. It's not like my rodeo tour was more important then people's lives. Besides that was ages ago.”

Kili shrug. “Just sayin'”

 

 

Dean nods. “I could tell you what's been happening. Explain what I know of what's been going on with the angels and the demons.”

Thorin eyes Bilbo and then nods. Bilbo cuts the zip ties. . Dean rubs his wrists and asks “You rode the rodeo?”

Fili shrugs, steals his brother's cake, and then grins. “And I was damn good too.”

Dean rubs his wrist and can't help but grin back. It's a moment. But, obviously not enough of a chick flick moment because Sammy has to go and ruin it with stupid questions.

 

“The dvergar were the dwarves in the Old Norse Eddas, and you talked about sewing Loki's mouth shut...Are you..really? I mean your short but your not like..tiny or anything.”

 

“Really Sam? Really? The nice man with the GIANT sword decides to let us go and you decide to make fun of his height?!” (And yeah they do seem a bit tiny [especially Bilbo who's only a couple inches over 5'], but Dean is well aware that Winchesters are larger then average and it's not like it's a big deal[also how short had Gabriel been and that dude had caused a world of trouble]).

 

Judging by the expressions all the guys with the heavy weaponry are wearing they completely agree with him.

 

Thorin seems to be thinking things over and then barks. “Ori, Oin, Bilbo and Dori will find everything they can in this library. Myself, Fili, and Kili will take these men to Rivendell to get the gun and an explanation. Bifur, Bofur, Bombur, Nori, and Gloin, you handle your usual jobs. Dwalin...try and keep everyone alive 'till I get back and Balin you'll be with us. We meet at Laketown in 2 weeks.”

Those in the kitchen all nod seriously and move out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeeah...this is ridiculous but amusing to me so I write it. Yay!


	4. Motel Rooms and Meltdowns

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thorin, Dean, Sam, Balin, Fili and Kili head out for Rivendell. Along the way Dean learns a few things about his travelling companions, and maybe himself too.

They end up driving in a big black Range Rover with Dean and Sam crushed together in the middle row of seats, Thorin and Balin up front and Kili and Fili stuck in the back. It's been two hours and already it's one of the longest rides of Dean's life.

 

Two words: Folk Music.

 

Suddenly Kili yells “STOP THE CAR UNCLE!!” .

Thorin slams on the breaks and in a second Fili and Kili are both out the door and running across a field towards a barely visible lake at the edge of the brush. Dean leans out the door just in time to see Kili whip his shirt off without even breaking step.

 

“Uh...What's happening?” he mutters.

Thorin is glaring up a storm and opens

his mouth to call them back when Balin nudges him “Oh let the lads have their fun Thorin. There's no harm in it.”

 

 

Thorin shakes his head. “They're reckless and wild.”

Balin gives him a look.

 

There's a whoop as Fili and Kili (now both completely naked) cannonball into the lake.

Thorin sighs and glances at Dean and Sam who are torn between terror and laughter.

 

The rest of the drive is taken up by Sam and Dean telling the dwarves everything they can think of from the last 10 years. It's crazy, thinking about the days when Yellow Eyes seemed like the worst thing that was lurking in the darkness. They talk about opening the gate to hell, and selling souls, and breaking seals, Lucifer rising, Michael and Gabriel. Leviathan and Godstiel, and Eve and the tablets. Balin takes notes the entire time.

 

Dean is grabbing his bag from the trunk when it occurs to him. “Hey, you know what our deal is. Now how about you? What were you after when you guys broke into the batcave?”

 

Kili and Fili have another brief round of sign language before Kili answers “We're looking for the way back home. When Uncle Thorin was a young man, younger then we are now, the Khazad kingdom of Erebor was attacked. All those who dwelled there were forced to flee or perish and the gates were sealed behind them. Thorin hopes to open the gates and lead our people home.”

 

Sam, Dean notices, has got his 'sharing-is-caring' face one, “What happened? What was it?”

 

It's Fili who answers. “Fire Drake. Sent by heaven or hell or it's own design we know not. Though from what you've told us it was probably one or the other.”

 

Dean runs his hand through his hair. “Jesus.”

 

Kili and Fili both give them hard level stares.

 

“We do not acknowledge the power of that man.” a low voice grumbled behind Dean. He turned to find Thorin standing there looking positively thunderous.

 

Thorin tossed a key to Kili, “You and your brother will share as usual. The humans will be bunking with you. Balin and I will be next door.”

 

“Uh...” Dean starts.

 

Thorin levels a glare at him. “Do you wish to finance your own accommodation boy?” And the sentence is full of so much judgement and distain that it's all Dean can do to mutely shake his head.

 

Thorin nods. “Good. If you'll spare your brother for a moment, Balin and I have a few more questions.”

 

Dean shrugs and Sam heads off with them.

 

It's evening and Dean finds himself sitting in the rickety chairs in front of their room drinking beer with 'the lads' and watching them smoke from elaborate pipes.

 

Fili is watching his brother very closely Dean notices. Kili is staring blankly at the horizon.

 

Fili nudges him. “Remember when we snuck into that Beatles concert? How angry Thorin was?”

 

Kili looks at him blankly for a moment and then shakes his head. “I'm sorry, brother, I find myself dwelling on darker times...I think I'll go and find a Bar. Full of people and sound...and things to make me forget.”

 

Fili frowns and nods. “Be careful Kee. Don't want another repeat of Boston.”

 

Kili laughs emptily. “That he broke his hand on my face is not my fault.”

 

Thank shocks a chuckle out of Dean. “If that's the sort of drinking buddy you are I'd be happy to come with you for a drink.”

 

Fili is smoking in the dark when Dean trudges back an hour or so later. He thumps down next to Fili in a rikety lawn chair. “Well that was less fun then I'd hoped.” Fili grins and blows a perfect smoke ring before grabbing a beer out of the cooler next to him. “Beer?” he offers.

 

Dean nods and grabs it. “I'm pretty sure your brother propositioned me.”

 

Fili sighed. “Well, since you turned him down I hope he finds someone else. He needs...cheering up.”

 

Dean raises his eyebrows. “So, you don't give two shits what tree your brother's climbing?”

 

Fili smirks. “Khazad women are not so different from Khazad men as you are from your women. That we sleep with humans at all is considered strange, that Kili sleeps with males is not. Kili has...unusual taste. He was in love with an Elf for the longest time...”

He exhales a long plume of smoke. “You people used to be right funny about it though.”

 

Dean scrubs his face. “Why does your brother need cheering up for? You guys...you guys are the most happy-go-lucky people I've met in ages.”

 

Fili looks very sad for a moment. “Your story...it explained a few things.” He paused and took a moment to take a long drag on his funny wooden pipe again, “You have to understand, we Khazad have suffered greatly the last couple of centuries, and the last decade has been...hard...” He trails off and puffs on his pipe some more.

 

“Well? What's that got to do with your brother?”

 

Fili is on his feet, angry suddenly. “They TORTURED him. They grabbed him in a restaurant thinking he was Thorin and they CARVED him UP! And  _YOU'R_ SAYING THAT THEY DIDN'T EVEN REALLY CARE!!! They tortured him trying to get him to fix that GODDAMN GUN and in the end IT DIDN'T FUCKING MATTER TO THEM WHETHER HE GAVE IN OR NOT!!!” 

 

Fili seemed to collect himself and sat back down. “I'm sorry, Mister Winchester. Seems my brother is not the only one who feels the dark press in closely tonight.”

 

Dean looks at Fili, really _looks_ at him. He's pretty ordinary. Rough workman's clothes, a brown leather jacket with a wide fur collar, big old steel-toed boots. Maybe a bit shorter, a bit blonder and a bit beardier than average, but not so much you'd stop and wonder about him if you saw him walk by.  

Then there's Kili who was carved up by a demon and who Dean wouldn't have noticed if he'd passed on the street. Dean wonders if this is how he seems to other people, tall and unusually handsome (if he does say so himself), a bit worn down maybe...but ordinary.

It's weird, the fate of the world has honestly been resting on his shoulders for so long now, with angels, demons, and leviathans brought low by none-other then a high-school dropout with six bucks to his name, that the idea of being considered unremarkable and ordinary is completely mind boggling.

 

**Author's Note:**

> This is an old fic that I thought was pretty fun. I had a few chuckles writing it at least.
> 
> To be continued....
> 
> Comments are always welcome and always make my day!


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